Saturday, 21 March 2015

The Doggies

Hello people. Just repeating this for a friend. New blog entry in a couple of days. 

I was talking football (Aussie Rules) with my neighbor this morning. Yes, the start of the season is almost on us.
To some people, me included, September is a happy time. Spring has sprung, the flowers are blooming, the weather is improving and so are people’s moods.  Well, everyone’s that is, except his. He hates September.
He said that he’s had 35 Septembers in his life and has hated every single one, without exception.  In fact, he wasn’t sure if ‘hate’ was a strong enough word.
You know how some hotels don’t have a thirteenth floor due to superstition? (Although who are they kidding?  Floor fourteen knows what it really is.)  If he designed calendars, there would be no September.
Clearly this would piss off a lot of Virgos – their birthdays of course, but it would certainly make his life more pleasant.  If he could, he would go to bed on the 31st August and not wake up until the 1st of October.  

So why does he want to go all Rip Van Winkle in September, I hear you ask?  What could possibly make him hate a single month so much? Yeah – you guessed it – footy finals!
We’re not implying that he doesn’t love his football team. He does. They are, in fact, his greatest passion.  Most people’s blood have red and white blood cells. His have blue as well.
So folk, there lies the rub. In all his 35 years he has never seen the doggies play in a grand final, let alone win one.  For some clubs, September is a time of hopes and dreams (go Hawthorn), for the Bulldogs, it’s a time for disappointments and planning end-of-season trips.  He says, he doesn’t know what he did in a previous life to deserve this, but he assumes he must have driven a truck full of black cats under a row of ladders and then crashed it into a mirror factory.
For those of you who don’t follow football, and I am reliably informed that there are one or two of you, the Western Bulldogs only ever played in two Grand Finals:  they won one in 1954 (years before he was born) and lost one (years before he was born).
Just pause and think about that for a moment.  The last time his club won a flag was in 1954. 1954.  To put this into perspective, if he had been around then and missed the game, he wouldn’t have been able to catch the replay because AUSTRALIA DIDN’T HAVE TELEVISION!!!
When his team won the flag, the average price of a car was $1,200.  These days, that’s about what it costs to fill up a car’s tank.
He says, he’s heard some people talk about the pain of seeing their team lose on Grand Final Day, he would just like to see his team on the ground on Grand Final Day.

Oh well, Eamon …  there’s always this September, or next, or ………

Friday, 13 March 2015

Random Thoughts

I found myself feeling rather bored lately, so I started looking at political news stories in the papers (yes, that bored). I'm now in the mood for dispensing advice, so I spent one afternoon thinking up some policy suggestions for Bill Shorten and the Labour party that may win them some votes.

How about this one?  We all agree that the government needs traffic fines to raise revenue, so what about fining people for other, more annoying offences?  I think motorists would vote for Shorten if he promised speed cameras that issue fines to people in the right-hand lane who travel under the speed limit.

However while I appreciate that fines and taxes are an important part of government revenue, they do cause resentment in community.  So what about this for a policy?  Mr Shorten could promise that every time someone received a tax bill or a fine from the government, it would be accompanied by a voucher for a free Big Mac, small fries and drink. That way everyone's anger at getting a bill would be offset by enjoying some delicious Maccas.  Wow, that would get my vote.

Pollies often talk about zero tolerance against crime, but I'd like to suggest zero tolerance against annoying people.  How about an electric charge fitted to elevator buttons and pedestrian buttons at traffic lights, so that if you have pushed the button and then someone else pushes it again, they get a zap?

One of the criticisms labeled at the Liberals is that they are not in touch with kids, so here's a new technology policy for Mr Shorten.: no-one should be able to use the acronym 'LOL' or 'ROFL' in text messages or on social media unless they are actually 'laughing out loud' or 'rolling on the floor laughing'.

And finally, if there's one thing Aussies love, it's days off. If shorten really wants to win back some votes, he should make the last weekend of every month a long weekend.  In addition to the Queen's birthday long weekend, let's have Prince Charle's, Prince Philip's, Price William's, Princess Kate's and Prince-Harry-bought-a-new-bong Day off as well.

Plus most states have a Labor Day public holiday so why not balance the ledger and have a Liberal Day? And maybe throw in a National Party Day too, an make it a four day weekend.  Actually while we're at it, most Aussies tend to clock off work at about noon on a Friday anyway, so why not make it official?  Bill would definitely steal some votes if he made it a two-and-a-half day weekend. Every weekend.

But, in my opinion, the reform that is long over-due is making the Melbourne Cup - the race that stops the nation - a public holiday for the entire nation.  If we really want to be serious against the fight against al-Qaeda, it's the very least we can do. (It sounds good, right).

No-one can argue that there is something really special about the Melbourne Cup.  If nothing else, it's the only time usually rational people set their alarms early on days off, then spend hours fighting traffic, just to sit in a car park getting pissed.

That said, you could get one of your mates to dress in a gorilla suit and another to wear a tux jacket and shorts while drinking Fosters at the local Westfield car park and save yourself the drive and the crowds.

I do love the races.  I love the horses, I love the trainers, I love the bookies and I love the jockeys.  Although I don't like it when they use the whip to make the horses run faster.  Partly because I think it's cruel and as my brother informed me, there are clubs where you have to pay extra for that.

And I don't think it's right that the winner gets a cup. I mean, how does the horse hold it up??? Surely they should compete for something they'd appreciate.  Like the Melbourne Apple, the Melbourne Cube of Sugar or a Melbourne DVD Boxed collection of Mister Ed.

Why do we make such a big deal about the jockey's weight, by the way, when the horses are given extra weights in their saddlebags?  Why can't we just have fat jockeys?  Wouldn't it be great to see a jumbo jockey squeezed into his silks, trying to negotiate the course at Royal Flemington, while simultaneously eating a bucket of KFC.

OK, let's be honest here folks. The horses and the jockeys at the cup are just the supporting players.  The real action is off the track - Flemington becomes a giant version of a Desperate and Dateless Ball. 

For the ladies, of course, it's all about the hats.  The bigger, the better.  It's the only time of the year Molly Meldrum looks underdressed. As for me, I am definitely not  fan of the fascinator. It sounds like some B grade Arnie movie.

Whatever your area of interest, the race is always brilliant.  In fact, even if you don't live in Melbourne, you should take the day off in November.  Go on, do it for yourself.  Do it for Australia.  If you don't the terrorists have already won.