Wednesday, 21 January 2015

So You Want To Be An Aussie ......


Nothing to talk about today ..... Just getting all Aussie for Australia Day. Enjoy.
OK, let's start off with ............
You know you're an Australian when :-
You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn
You pronounce "Melbourne" as "Mel-bin"
You believe that the letter "L" in Australia is optional, and it's perfectly OK to call it "Straya"
You think "Wooloomaloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place
You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife
You believe that it makes perfect sense for a country to have a $1 coin twice as big as a $2 coin
You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to 'Wagga" but "Woy Woy" will never be just "Woy"
Beetroot with your hamburger - of course
You wear Ugg boots outside the house
You believe that the more you shorten someone's name, the more you like them
You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, but "'scuse me" is always polite
You know what it's like to swallow a fly, occasionally via your nose
You know it's not summer until your steering wheel is too hot to handle and a seat belt buckle becomes a pretty good branding iron
You know how to abbreviate every word. all of which usually end in "o" - arvo, muso, garbo, lezzo, milko, servo, smoko, rego, speedo, righto etc  etc
You know that there is a universal place called "Woop Woop" located in the middle of nowhere
 Believe it or not, these questions are real and were posted on an Australian tourism site (God I wish I could reply!!)
 1.     Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (From USA)
          Just depends on how much you've drunk
2.       Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the    
          plants grow?  (UK)     
          We import plants fully grown and then sit back and watch them die.
3.        I want to walk from Perth to Sydney.  Can I just follow the railroad tracks?  (Sweden)
           Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
4.        Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia?  (Sweden)
           So it's true what they say about Swedes?
5.        It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed
           porpoise.  (Italy)
           Let's not touch this one.
6.        Are there any ATMs (Cash Machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of where
           they are located particularly in Brisbane, Cairns, Harvey Bay and Townsville.  (UK)
           You had a slave didn't you? and he or she died? Riiiiiiight.
7.        Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia?  (USA)
           A-FRI-CA is the big triangle shaped continent South of Europe. AUS-TRA-LIA is that
           big island in the Pacific which does not ...... Oh forget it. Every Tuesday night at
           Kings Cross.  Come naked.
8.        Which direction is North in Australia?  (USA)
           Face South and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send
           further directions.
9.        Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
           Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
10.       Can you send me the Vienna Boy's Choir schedule? (USA)
            AUS-TRI-A  is that quaint little country bordering GER-MAN-Y, which is ........... oh
            forget it. The Vienna Boy's Choir plays every Tuesday night at Kings Cross, straight
            after the hippo racing.  Come naked.
11.       Do you have perfume in Australia?  (France)
            No, we don't need it.
12.         I have developed a new product that is named The Fountain of Youth.  Can you                    tell me where I can sell it in Australia?  (USA)
             Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
13.        Can I wear high heels in Australia?  (UK)
             You're a British politician, right?
14.         Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller
              than the male population?  (Italy)
              Yes. Gay nightclubs.
15.         Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?  (France)
              Only at Christmas.
16.          Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?  (Germany)
               We are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.
17.           Please send me a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake
                serum.  (USA)
                Rattlesnakes live in AM-ERI-CA where you come from.  All Australian snakes are
                perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
18.           I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget it's name.  It's a
                kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
                It's called a Drop Bear because they drop out of trees and eat the brains of
                anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself
                with human urine before you go out walking.
19.           Will I be able to speak English most places I go?  (USA)
                Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
20.            I was in Australia in 1969 on R & R and would like to contact the girl I dated
                 while I was staying at Kings Cross.  Can you help?  (USA)
                 Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
And finally, you are only a real fair dinkum Aussie if you support Aussie Rules football, however ....
The 2015 AFL competition is likely to be cancelled according to a leaked document.
Under Anti Terrorism laws, the Bombers are banned.
New Industrial legislation rules out the Dockers and the Avian Flu epidemic is wreaking havoc with the Crows, Eagles, Hawks, Magpies and Swans.
Any transfers to the Kangaroos, Cats, Lions, Dogs and Tigers must now be quarantined for at least 12 months.
Religious vilification laws mean that, legally, no-one can support the Demons and the Saints.
This leaves only the Blues, Power, Suns and Giants, and in all honesty, who really wants to barrack for them anyway????
Have a great Aussie Day everyone.  Barbeque like you've never barbequed before. xxxxx

Some Mothers Do Have 'Em

(The picture has nothing to do with the blog. I just think this Musketeer is gorgeous!!!)

Hi everyone.  I hope 2015 is a good one for all of you.  I hope it's filled with happiness, love, laughter and good health.

Because I promised a while ago, I'm going to tell you about my long term neighbor Eamon (not his real name for reasons that will become very obvious) .... hahaha  you wish, Eamon!!

Eamon is - how can I put this nicely? - frugal. Eamon would consider himself to be an 'economic conservative'.  Most people would use another term, derived from the Latin - maximum tightius arseus.

Yes, Eamon is - like Thorpey's swimsuit would be if he tried to squeeze into it again these days - tight.  And he's proud of it.  When someone once told him that he is so tight, he'd only breath in if he could, he had it printed on a T-shirt.

You know the old joke about someone opening their wallet and moths flying out? Well, that sums up Eamon, except if he had moths living in his wallet, he'd be charging them rent.  He's the sort of guy you don't take to the pub, because the only time he shouts is if there's a fire.

But it's not just the pub. Oh no.

Take a drive with Eamon and you'll learn that when he puts petrol in his car, he always makes sure he shakes the hose until he gets to $50.02 because he knows they'll round down and he'll drive away with 2 cents worth of free fuel.

He also turns off his engine and whacks the car into neutral when he's at the top of a hill because he thinks it will save him petrol, I'm surprised he hasn't cut the floor out of his car so he can power it like they do on The Flinstones.

There's more .......

Eamon once drove his car from Melbourne to Adelaide - not because it was cheaper than flying, but because he had a boot filled with cans and bottles for the 10 cent deposit.  Actually, he told me that he went to schoolies week 5 years after he graduated, for the free condoms. To be honest, I'm kind of glad about that one, because he strikes me as the sort of guy who might have put used ones in the washing machine.

Nothing comes as a surprise with Eamon; after all,  he's the guy who once pretended, for 3 hours, that he wanted to buy an 80cm TV, just so he could watch Australia's innings in the one day match against India, on the TVs at Harvey Norman Electrics.

Now, before you get the wrong idea, Eamon is not a bad bloke.  He just lives by the philosophy, 'Why pay for something when you can have it for free?'  When we first met, he survived for a full month on a 'toothpick diet' - eating only the free samples handed out in supermarkets and food courts.  He said it was like constantly being at a cocktail party.

And the entire time I've known him, he's never owned an aftershave, but he always smells fantastic.  When I asked him, one day, what he was wearing, he replied 'free tester'.

But the best example was when he agreed to pick me up at the airport to save me from getting a taxi home. (Generous gesture as we live over an hour from the airport).  But, he paged me over the loudspeaker to avoid having to call me on his mobile.

Before I left for holidays, Eamon invited me to a barbeque at his place.  Now it goes without saying that all barbeques at his are BYOB (bring your own booze) and BYOMOSS (Bring your own meat or soy substitute). I really wouldn't be surprised if one day, it was BYOBBQ.  It was only when I asked for some good old fashioned tomato sauce to go with my soy-sage, that I realized how absolutely tight he had become.

'No worries' he said, reaching into his pockets and producing a range of packages marked 'Tomato Sauce', 'Mustard', 'Mayo'.  "I stole them from Burger King" he said proudly.  "Oh wait, there's more.  He shoved his hand further in and pulled out some sugar, sweetener, salt and pepper.

As I said, he is a great guy though. When I saw him later in the day, he was boasting about some girl there saying he was cute.

"Dude" I said. "I've known you for many, many years, I like you, but I would have to be very, very drunk to call you cute.!!!!!"