Sunday, 29 October 2017

A repair person I'm not!

When it came to fixing things around the house, it's safe to say I was never a handy woman.

When we were growing up, my brother and I were never really good at building stuff. In fact the only time I rubbed shoulders with someone in overalls, was when our parents took us to a K.D. Lang concert, the only carpenters I knew were in my parents record collection and the only time I'd used Selley's Liquid Nails was when I found some under the sink once and tried to bake a cake with it.

For most of my life, I was the sort of person who was less DIY and more DIYTCAETRD (Do It Yourself Then Call An Expert To Repair Damage) type of person. Even Jesus had more luck around wood and nails than I did.

In the past, the only thing I was good at was picking up the phone to call 'hire-a-hubby'.  Shouldn't use the line 'is great doing odd-jobs around the house' and my name in the same sentence. I once got a flat tyre on my Holden Barina (hello young ladies), and when the RACV couldn't come for over an hour, I called my mum and she talked me through it. Yes as far as doing 'blokey' things I think I'm slightly behind Julie Bishop but way ahead of  Malcolm Turnbull.

I had to call a plumber because of a leaking tap.  As it's not my place I called a couple and the first one to arrive was getting the job. As it happens, they both arrived at the same time, or thereabouts. So I was stuck with one tap and two plumbers.

As somebody who chose air travel as a job because it's sort of indoors, and no heavy lifting (usually), I greatly admire people who actually work for a living. Plus, with plumbers, I feel we're kind of in the same line of work. It's just that I talk it, and they make sure it get's flushed away,

Anyway, at the end of a long day with them working in the rain and me lingering awkwardly, I decided to try to bond with the bonza blokes (Aussie lingo) by getting them a bloody beer. (Sorry. Again I learnt this Aussie bloke talk from watching Alf in Hone and Away).

So I went to the fridge looking for a good blokes beer like VB or Fosters, only to be greeted by a range of designer ales with names so complex they sounded like they were named after Angelina Jolie's kids.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, they didn't want to charge me because 'you're a visiting Aussie. I love Aussues.'

Yes, I'm Aussie. I love Australia. I couldn't be more Aussie if I was riding a kangaroo down the Main Street, eating a vegemite sandwich, drinking a VB and staring at a picture of Warnie.

I reckon most Aussies would say that in certain areas, we've always seen ourselves as superior to the Brits. Weather immediately spring to mind. Oh, and sport! Sometimes I suspect we'd be happy to come second last in the Olypics, as long as Great Britain came last. Well actually third last, as we have to beat New Zealand too

Remember when Britain beat us at the Olympics? It basically knocked  all other news off the front page. Suddenly no-one cared about terrorism. Forget the bombs, we were beaten by the Poms!

And beaten we were. Every mathematician in the country was pulled off important research to prove that we won more medals 'per capita' than Great Britain.

I'm depressed now. Back next month.

Sunday, 10 September 2017

Ho hum ... Another cold

One of the most embarrassing things in life is when you become the thing you used to hate. That's why it absolutely pains me to admit that I drive a 4 wheel drive.

Yep folks, I am one of those road-hugging, petrol guzzling, enviroment destroying, talk on the mobile while driving, complete and utter tossers who drive a 4WD in the city.

Hi, my name is Katelyn and I'm a tool.  For some reason I can't remember, when I went and got ths car, I decided I needed a 'truck' to go off road in. I've had it for a bit of time now, and the only time I've come close to going off road, is when I stuffed up a reverse park and ended on the nature strip.

Let's be honest here, the only bush bashing I've ever done involved an ex US president and the closest I have ever gotten to driving through creeks or busting through sand dunes, is when I occasionally forget to slow down for a speed hump.  I feel increasingly stupid driving a 4WD, when I never take it into the country.

Do you know, you can even buy spray-on dirt now so that you can give your 4WD that off-road look, even if you've never been anywhere near th back country?

I live in the city. Why do I need a 4WD anyway? So I can get to the next set of traffic lights faster???


I'm going off the topic again. I wasn't going to talk 4WDs.

What I was going to mention, I've got a damn cold!  I was going to the chemist to buy something for it.

Have you ever noticed, when you get a cold, it's never really just a cold?  It seems like I'm convinced for some reason or other, that I have bird flu.  It's amazing how a cold can turn us into complete babies.

I also noticed I've become really rude to people.  "Oh, you've got a cold! Don't give it to me." Yeah, that's what I was going to do. I feel so great, I want to share it!

What really makes me grumpy is that I can't believe, in this day and age, we still don't have a cure for th common cold. Surely our brainy boffins should spend a little less time trying to fit a camera, MP3 player and microwave into our mobile phones and a little more time trying to cure our colds. It's a screwed up world that offers more nasal sprays to give guys an erection than there are to unblock our noses.

Of course, there being no cure didn't stop my friends suddenly thinkng they all had medical degrees.
'You've got to eat more garlic' they advised. Oh, you bloody think so!  I had garlic tablets and ate garlic mushrooms and garlic bread, but they didn't prevent my cold. However on the up side, I became totally immune to vampires. On the downside, males kept away from me.

"Have you taken some echinacea?" What?  It sounds like somewhere I would go for holidays.

So finally after a few days of feeling sorry for myself, I dragged myself off to the doctor who took one look at me and said "Oh you've got a cold. Go back to bed."

Well thank God I got a medical opinion!  I'm going back to bed!

Sunday, 27 August 2017

Natural Selection

Is it just me, or are today's shopping malls so confusing, you have to leave a trail of breadcrumbs to find your way out once you've finished with your shopping?

I suspect the reason you see so many pensioners sitting on benches isn't because they need a break from shopping, it's because they came in when they were young, got lost and now live in Bras 'n Things.

In fact, I think I smell a TV show here - Survivor:Westfield. You're challenge today is to avoid being stopped by mobile phone salespeople. Winner to get free mini muffin at Muffin Break!

The problem with my local shopping centre is that I can never find my car.  I swear they rotate the entire centre around the minute I walk through the automatic doors. I'm convinced that the carpark levels whirl on some sort of rotisserie.

Anyway, going right off the point.

What I was going to mention before being side tracked are all the warnings on packaging. I began reading them and honestly, couldn't stop.

I was looking for some sleeping pills for an overseas flight - "warning may cause drowsiness". Really? Phew, glad you told me. It's like Asprin having a warning "may relieve the symptoms of a headache". Or on a Viagra packet "may cause grandpa to chase grandma around the kitchen table'..

Then there was the electric power drill that comes with the warning - "not to be used as a dental drill".  Who is that warning for?

Or the hair colouring that comes with the warning - "do not use as ice-cream topping". Huh? Who is that for?

Hair dryers used to come with the warning - "do not use while taking a shower".  Again I feel like this one falls under the heading of 'moron'. At the very least, because using it while in the shower must limit its effectivness. 'I have it on high, but for some reason my hair is still wet'.

This s right up there with the toilet brush that tells us - "do not use orally". I'm not going to go there.

One of my favourites is the dishwasher with the instructions -  "do not let children play in the dishwasher". For heaven's sake, they'll get wet. I guess you could always dry them off in the dryer. Or use the microwave it's much quicker.

But without doubt my absolute favourite was the mattress that cane with the warning - "do not attempt to swallow".  Now this warning both  amuses and disturbs me for a couple of reasons - someone has tried this and how stoned would you have to be to try eat a mattress?

I give up! Incidentally did you know that 31 Australians died while watering Xmas trees while the lights were on? Natural selection?