Thursday, 11 July 2013

Bits and Pieces 4

I have a confession to make. From the time I first sat down at my computer to write this to when I actually typed these words, I’ve checked my e-mail three times. Now admittedly, part of this problem is because I’m a natural procrastinator. In fact, if I were a superhero I think I’d be Procrastinator Girl. "What’s that? Someone’s in trouble? OK, I’ll be there as soon as I make myself a cup of tea, read the papers, sharpen pencils, have another cuppa, feed the dog, organize my CDs into alphabetical order, check my e-mail, type my name into Google and finally, have one more cup of tea. But mostly, I’m just addicted to turning on the computer and seeing "You have a new message".

The funny thing is, in my head, I’m not really sure what the appeal of e-mail is. After all, we have had a much superior invention around for decades. It’s called "the phone".

If e-mail had been around for 50 years, and we had just come up with the phone, then everyone would be like "Hey Katel, you’ve got to come and check out this new invention – it’s amazing. It’s just like e-mail, but you can actually talk to the person." Having said that, nowadays it seems that they’re inventing more and more phones you can type messages on, so what the hell do I know? I’m pretty sure if you give the latest mobile to 1000 monkeys they’d eventually SMS you the complete works of Shakespeare.

There are a couple of things that bother me with the World Wide Web. And not only that it’s abbreviation, www, has more syllables than just saying ‘world wide web’ (yes, I know, I should get out more). My first problem is the prevalence of adult content. Now I’m not Prudey McPrude, but it’s made it virtually impossible to look up anything without being redirected to a porn site. A while agor day my friend Keith was trying to build a shelf for the kitchen, to hold some cups, so he innocently (?) typed the keywords "wood", "screws" and "jugs" into Google. Suddenly he was directed to sites that were less hardware and more hardcore.

Another thing that annoys me is spam. I really don’t need any penis enlarging pills or generic impotence treating drugs. Don’t you just love the e-mails with subject headers like "A message from a friend you haven’t heard from in a while". Then you open it up and discover it’s not from a friend you haven’t heard from in a while, because if you had a friend who could do that, they would be hearing from you all the time.

Which reminds me, I should check my in-box.

I heard that a school in England has changed Baa Baa Black Sheep to Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep!!!! OK, the first question that needs to be asked is "What the hell are rainbow sheep? Are they the ones that Zhara Rhodes used to make her colourful outfits? This comes hot on the heels of a school in Aberdeen who changed it to Baa Baa Happy Sheep. I asked the guys here and apparently a happy sheep is one that has just found out that it’s owner is a vegetarian, or has just moved away from New Zealand.

Do you believe this???? Hey I’m all for teaching kids tolerance and acceptance, but this seems like political correctness gone mad. (Sorry, I’m probably not allowed to say ‘mad’ anymore because George Bush might take offence.) My brother was just looking over my shoulder and he said that there’s an upside – the New Zealand rugby team will be nowhere near as terrifying when they’re the All Rainbows!

It’s not going to stop there though is it? Soon we’ll have to ban Noddy’s pal Big Ears because it might offend Prince Chuck and we’ll have to change the words "There was a crooked man" because it might piss off members of the Australian Government. Then all we have to do is change ‘Three Blind Mice’ to ‘Three Visually Impaired Mice’ and we’ll all live happily ever after!

OK if you think about it, I’m pretty sure most people could identify the point in their lives where they stopped being eligible to be prime minister. In fact, if you really looked back, I bet you could pinpoint the exact moment when you took something or did something – or someone – that would be later used against you if you ever sought higher office. "You know, Giggsy, it’s lovely to be here in this spa with you and all your Manchester United team mates, but you know, if these pictures get out, I can never be Prime Minister."

What I'm talking about is we had a staff party in a hangar at London airport. I wasn’t going to go, but I decided "hey, what the heck, let's see how the other half live".  OK if I’m honest I certainly tried to make up for the raise I didn’t get by drinking the equivalent amount in free champagne – I may have even drunk my way into the next tax bracket! Qantas decided to have a party because it would be a good opportunity for staff to get together, learn from and inspire each other – OK, ok  and screw, bitch about and steal from each other!

Good night was had by all.. 

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