Thursday, 12 September 2013

Up, up and away .....

Move over Qantas, Virgin and Jetstar it seems the battle for the Australian airways is about to be joined by a new carrier specialising in parties, pizza nights, karaoke and dance offs. Or in other words, pretty much your average flight with Lady Gaga. 

But while many travellers have been excited by this news, I'm not so sure. Don't get me wrong, with the amount of planes I catch that have been delayed I think the airlines could learn a thing or two from the pizza delivery industry. For starters, if it's more than 30 minutes late, it should be free.

But despite this, I'm not really sure I like the idea of a plane that doubles as a "Nightclub of the Sky". I know the life-jackets have glowing lights and a whistle on them, but I didn't think that was in case a rave breaks out. And I really don't want to get to stand at the door with a steward who says ... "Nah, not in those shoes darl."

But I think the thing that would freak me out more than anything about a dance party airline would have to the Captain's announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. I'm flying, and I hope you are too. If you want to see me taxi down the runway let me hear you say Ho! Today we'll be cruising at a height of 30,000 feet, unless of course you've taken one of those lovely purple pills (complimentary in first class, although you will have to pay for them in economy) in which case you'll be cruising at a height of 50,000 feet. Sorry about the delay to our take-off today. I was slightly distracted by a man on ground waving yellow paddles at me. I'm not quite sure what he was trying to tell me, but man he was going off.

Earlier as we taxied along the white take-off line, air traffic control informed me that today's flight time is estimated to be approximately thirteen hours. Since then I've taxied along a white line of my own, and I reckon I can get us there in about thirty minutes. If you care to look out the window right now you'll notice the people on the ground are so small they appear like ants. Oh my god, they are ants, in fact I'm covered in ants, get them off me! (Whew, I probably should lay off those purple pills). At this time could I also remind you to please switch off your mobile phones as we have Shane Warne, and  
David Beckham all sitting up in first class and it may lead to them interfering with their equipment.

It is now time for our in-flight safety demonstration. If you need any assistance at all during the flight, please push the little button on your arm-rest, and a small glowing man will appear above your head. For those of you who have taken the purple pills, this should amuse you for hours. 

Please note that your emergency exits are located here, and here. And if you get lucky in the toilets during the flight, your ankles will be located here and here. (Remember what we say, if the 747's a rockin' don't come a knockin') Speaking of the toilets, please note restrooms on this plane have not been fitted with smoke detectors, but they have been fitted with smoke machines to give them that authentic night-club feel. If cabin lights go out, a series of lights will lead you directly to the emergency exit. If these lights go out please follow the swirling disco lights which will lead you around, and around and around. 

In a moment we will show you a short movie entitled "Deep Vein Thrombosis" which is not a sequel to "Debbie Does Dallas". After this our in-flight entertainment will consist mostly of Bazza and Dazza getting drunk and singing a karaoke version of "I still call Australia home" which let's face it will still be a lot more entertaining than any of the crap Ben Affleck movies we used to show you. In case of unexpected turbulance, a bong will fall from the roof. This won't help, but it should at least chill you out. Please breathe deeply yourself before passing it on to any backpackers next to you. In the unlikely case a crash landing is needed, please consult the card in the seat pocket in front of you for the emergency brace position. It also shows the Macerena, YMCA, Bus-stop, Time-Warp, Lambada and Mambo No 5, 6 and 7 for the dance contest later. 

We are about to serve our in flight meal service. For those of you who have taken the purple pills, I should point out the meals are meant to be minature, the drinks are meant to be minature, and the cutlery is meant to be minature. You have not, I repeat, you have not turned into a giant. 

We are now about to commence our descent, so could all tray tables be returned to their upright position. Also, for anyone who joined the Mile-High Club during the flight, could all flight attendants please be returned to their upright position. Please note your baggage will be available from a carousel on the ground floor at the completion of the flight. The rest of your baggage will be emotional, that should arrive about Tuesday. 

Once again, thank-you for flying with Nightclub Of The Skies, remember others may be cheaper and faster, but we fly the highest."

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