Wednesday, 1 January 2014

Weddings and Anniversaries

I don't want to sound mean spirited, but it's always secretly pissed me off that when you go to a wedding. you're expected to take a present.

The fancy registry, in particular, gets up my nose.

Yes, I've been invited to a wedding. Grrrrrr .......

Isn't it enough that they've found true love? Do they really need a toaster or a waffle maker to sweeten the deal?  "Oh look ..... a stainless steel potato peeler. Now this is truly the most special day of my life.

The truth is I'm jealous.  You see, I don't have any plans to marry again - well not in the near future.  It seems, however, that all my friends are lately taking the plunge, and the obligatory coffee plunger.

Of course the gifts don't stop on the wedding day - then come the wedding anniversaries.

A couple of friends celebrated their 10th recently, so I jumped online to find out what might be an appropriate gift.  That's when I made a startling discovery.

Did you know that they've updated the traditional wedding anniversary gifts?  It's true.  Let's start with the 10th year anniversary.  In the good old days, if you made it to ten years, the appropriate gift was tin.  But these days, some baked beans or Alphabetti (noodles in the shape of letters, folks) in a tin doesn't cut it.  Tin has been replaced by - wait for it - diamonds.

It says something about the state of modern marriage that in the old days, you had to wait 60 years for diamonds. But now, if you're lucky enough to make it to ten, it's time to crack out the bling.

In fact, you better make sure you're earning some good coin because the next few years are going to cost you big time!

There are diamonds (10) - a girl's best friend, then there's fashion jewellery (11), pearls (12), furs (13) and gold jewellery (14).

And it's not just the big anniversaries that are more costly.  They've all changed.  Traditionally, the 1st anniversary was paper, so a card and a copy of a Sunday magazine had you covered.  Actually, of you think about it, you didn't really need a present - just what you would have wrapped it in.

These days, it's a bit more difficult.  If a husband of mine tried to give me something made of paper, the only paper they would get in return would have the word "divorce" written on it.  Apparently nowadays, the appropriate gift for a first anniversary, is a clock!

If you manage to make it to a second year, traditionally,the gift was cotton, which meant you could basically cover it with a T-shirt.  These days you're expected to fork out for china, which I think means plates and cups, not sweet and sour pork from the local take-away.

Third year used to be celebrated with leather - which makes me think, in the old days if you managed to stick to your wedded bliss for three years, things started to get a little kinky.  Sadly now you wait for nine long years before the leather anniversary.  Perhaps it's an incentive to make marriages last longer.

Today, thee fourth anniversary is celebrated with appliances - fitting because it's about the time when warranties on all your wedding gifts expire and everything stops working.  Traditionally, this anniversary was celebrated with flowers.  But these days they're the usual gifts blokes buy when they've forgotten anniversaries.

All jokes aside, some of the changes are just plain stupid.  In the old days, the 7th anniversary was simple: wool.  Nice.  That could be anything from a fluffy jumper to a tea cosy.  But do you k ow what they've replaced it with?  No joke. Desk sets!!!!!

Desk sets!  How romantic.  I know I've personally lost track of the number of Hallmark cards I've seen with "Roses are red, violets are blue.  I've got a stapler, paper clips and post-it notes just for you".

Some of you are now going to auto-label me as a dole bludging, chardonnay sipping, tree hugging, flag burning, latte leftie member of the Melbourne elite who doesn't know what it's like for the silent majority (yes, majority) of LABs (little Aussie Battlers) who live on - or a short cab ride - from Struggle Street.

Last time I was here in the UK, I went to a wedding also.  Please let me repeat a blog - or part thereof :

"Just wanted to tell you all of the most bizzare wedding I've ever been to.

It took place in London last week and the cast included Paul, groom and Emily, bride. However there was a cast of thousands, but one person stood out.

The central figure was the mother of the bride (MOTB).  Usually a polite, reasonable,  intelligent and sane human being.  

Nobody knew it, but this lady had been waiting with a script that would have met with Cecil B. DeMille’s approval.  And since it was her money, it was hard to say no to anything.  

The father of the bride began to pray for an elopement.  His prayers were not answered.  She (MOTB) had 7 months to work and no detail was left to chance.  Everything that could be engraved was engraved.  Everything that could be printed was printed and everything that could be bought was bought.  

There were teas, showers and dinners.  Then there were more teas, showers and dinners.

When I got married, I think we met with the minister maybe twice.  She called him weekly.  No-one was ever going to forget this wedding. And nothing was going to go wrong. 

So we arrived and by George, she had done it.  

It was an outside wedding and there was an 18 piece band playing softly in the background when the guests were arriving.  We were all seated and the wedding music started.  Nine – count them – 9 chiffon draped bridesmaids stepped down the aisle and then the bride herself.  

What you first noticed as she stood waiting to walk down the aisle was how white she was. Not her white dress (which, of course was beautiful), but her face – whiter than the dress itself!!  

Father started walking her down the aisle and just as she passed her mother, the bride threw up.  The mother fainted. Everyone rushed to help. Glasses of water were called for. Kids (and some adults) were laughing, Everyone was unnecessarily calling for an ambulance.    It was fantastic.  Only the Marx brothers could have topped it.  

They took her off to a room somewhere to get herself together and we all walked off for a smoke.  After an hour or so, the cast was re-assembled.  The bride, wearing a bridesmaid’s dress, tried again.  There was a lot of hugging from the groom, and a lot of tears from the bride.   MOTB was now whiter than white. Father was still laughing.  Finally the words were spoken and the dead was done.  

Everybody cried.  I think you’re supposed to at a wedding.  Hey, I’ve been to wet weddings before, but this one turned into a communal bath!  

What a great wedding and the MOTB was right.  We were not going to forget this one!"

OK let's give it another go.

Happy 2014 to everyone who's reading this by the way.


No comments:

Post a Comment