Saturday, 7 June 2014

Just Another Award

I don’t know if any of you noticed, but we’re constantly trying to attract visitors to our lovely country.  Yes, I’m reliably informed that there is still a bit of space left. (Underneath the big pineapple or in the bum of the big merino etc.)  By the way, how come they haven’t yet turned these icons into high-rise units?  Just a thought.

So while we’re thinking of ways to attract people to our shores, I wonder if we could get any millage out of the fact that Australia was, not so long ago, named one of the fattest countries in the world?  Perhaps something like “Come to Australia. By comparison, you’ll feel instantly slim.”


What an honourable award. Did we get a trophy?  And more importantly, did it have chocolate inside.  And who made the acceptance speech?  Did it go something like “I would like to thank Krispy Kreme, without whom none of this would be possible. And who could forget Ronnie MacDee or the Colonel.  

Hey we’re number one – Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Oink, Oink, Oink!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. We used to be girt by sea, now we’re girth by sea.  Maybe the ocean levels are not raising after all, maybe Australia is sinking because of all the fatty-fatty boombahs.

Australians have apparently become so chubby that the doofus who hosts the NRL Footy Show has to change his name to Skinny Vautin.

Now, many of the media got upset about this news, but it wasn’t such a bad thing.  I mean, when Ian Thorpe won a gold medal, at the Olympics, we were quick to say things like “Go Australia! We’re number 1. Aren’t we good as swimming?”

The truth is, Thorpie winning a race doesn’t make us good at swimming, it makes HIM good at swimming.  However, when we’re named the fattest country in the world, each of us can look down at our beer gut and love handles and whisper “Hey, I helped”.

Before you complain that you’re just ‘big-boned’, or retaining water due to the drought or hoping to become a contestant in the next series of The Biggest Loser, take a look at the facts.  Obesity is becoming a bigger problem than drugs in this land. Forget crack addicts, we’ve got Big Mac addicts.  Maybe we need sniffer dogs at the airports – not for people bringing in drugs or fruit, but for those who bring in Krispy Kremes.

So why have we gotten so fat?  Well, a lot of people eat when they’re stressed, so maybe there is more stress in the Australian society. And then people get stressed about being overweight and eat more.

OK, what’s the solution? Maybe the rising price of petrol is a good thing.  It might encourage more people to start walking to work.

Could be stressing over our bloody politicians. 

Is it any surprise, most young people have no faith in the political system?

Let’s face it, most of them would rather vote for Shane Warne, because at least with him you know at some stage, he’s going to try to screw you.

I’m not saying young people don’t make mistakes when they vote. After all, Shannon Noll came second in Australian Idol when he is clearly the best talent we have ever produced. And very handsome (really .. please don’t hit me).

Think about it, the next generation may not be interested in politics, but thanks to reality TV, they have certainly been raised on voting. They’re probably just confused about why they have to go to a primary school on a Saturday to do it, instead of just texting ‘Tony Abbott’ to 199EVICT.

For those who didn’t follow the story, the government was also going to make it illegal for prisoners to vote. Well, that will teach them a lesson, won’t it??

On second thoughts, I guess our pollies are right.  Our prisons are filled with liars and cheats who want nothing more than to rip off the general public for their own personal gain. Hey, that rings a bell.  Prisoners shouldn’t be voting, they should be running for parliament.

However, I do think the move to ban prisoners contains some weird logic. Think about it? What normally happens if you don’t vote? They send you a fine, and if you don’t pay the fine, they send you to jail … where you’re not allowed to vote!

There’s a weird flaw in our system, though. If you are enrolled to vote, and don’t, they send you a fine. But if you don’t enrol, nobody seems to care.

Personally, even if voting is not compulsory, I think there are three reasons why everyone should vote. First, people die for the right to vote in other countries, so we shouldn’t take it for granted. Second, it’s your right to bitch about the result. Third it’s just an excuse to hang out at a primary school without the restraining order!!

People argue in a democracy, it shouldn’t be compulsory to vote. It’s not. It’s compulsory to rock up, and get your name ticked off the electoral role. Once you are in the tiny cardboard booth, you can do whatever the hell you want.

You can ‘donkey vote’ or as it was known in the last election ‘voting for Tony Abbott’, you can rate all the pollies in order of hot or not, or you can turn the House of Reps form into a pirate hat and the Senate into an origami swan.

Ahhh what a way to spend a Saturday arvo.

By the way kind folk of Oztraya, did you know that the AFL competition is likely to be cancelled, according to a leaked document.

Under new terrorism laws, the BOMBERS are banned.

New industrial relations legislation rules out the DOCKERS and the avian flu epidemic is wreaking havoc with the CROWS, EAGLES, HAWKS, MAGPIES and SWANS.

Any transfer to the KANGAROOS, CATS, LIONS, DOGS and TIGERS must now be quarantined for at least 12 months.

Religious vilification laws mean that no one can legally barrack for the DEMONS or the SAINTS.

POWER is far too expensive.

This leaves only the BLUES, SUNS and GREATER WESTERN SYDNEY - and who wants to bloody barrack for them anyway?????

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