In a taxi on the way to the airport, I finally worked out why the world is so screwed up. All the politicians are brain-dead corrupt morons who wouldn't know their policies from their private parts, and the people who really know how things should be run are driving cabs.
Well, that's according to most cab drivers I meet. I guess it's my own fault for sitting in the front seat. Everyone knows, if you don't want to chat, it's back seat only. But I don't want to feel like I'm being chauffeured around.
I know it's stupid, but at least if I sit in the front I can pretend I'm getting a ride from a friend, and I just slip him/her a couple of bucks for petrol at the end.
Admittedly, I don't have many friends who drive big yellow cars with their telephone number written on the sides, don't know where my house is, and think 'Elton John just hasn't found the right girl yet'.
Anyway, I catch cabs often - that's what happens when you drink with breakfast(??) - so I've compiled my worst cab offences.
First is the cab driver who doesn't know where he's going. Now, I'm not suggesting that cabbies should know where everything is (Jeez .. even God misplaces Guam occasionally) but there's nothing worse than getting into a cab at the airport and being asked for directions.
"Well no mate. I'm sorry but I don't know where I am. Hell, I don't even speak the language and I don't even know what side of the road you drive on here."
Look, I have absolutely no problem with a cabbie having to look up an address. I'd just prefer it if he did so before he started the meter, rather than half-way through the trip -and then hand me the directory and ask me to do it.
'Hey dude, I'm not your navigator. This is not The Amazing Race. Would it make it easier if I drove too so you can have a snooze? Although I'll expect you to sling me a couple of bucks at the end of the trip, and no, I don't have change for a fifty.'
Then there's the cab driver who knows the most direct way, but chooses not to take it. 'Hey mate, I'm not Mr Melways/A to Z, but I'm pretty sure the most direct route to my London hotel is not via the Parthenon or New York. Hey, here's an idea, cabbie. how about you ask that bloke you've been chatting on the phone to if he knows the most direct route?
Yep,it never ceases to amaze me that taxi drivers never make it into the lists of most desirable men. Everyone knows how much we ladies like men in uniform, even better is one who never goes for the quickest route. (Although like most guys, they still have trouble finding the exact spot).
Anyway, regardless how bad the service is, I always tip taxi drivers - especially if I have a cabcharge docket from work!! Partly because I think taxi driving is a tough, thankless job, and partly because I hope they might spend some of that extra cash on deodorant.
In their defence, taxi drivers do have to put up with some real crap from passengers. If cabbies had a dollar for every time some asked "Have you been busy tonight?" they might just have change for a fifty.
And then there's the drunks. From the rugby players who have mistaken the taxi for a clown car and are trying to cram 15 people into the back to the idiot who opens the back door and asks "do you have room for a slab of beer and a kebab?" And then vomits in the back seat.
That's why it's great when you occasionally get a cab driver who restores your faith in the entire profession. It happened to me recently, when I ordered a taxi and it arrived (and I swear this is true) towing a caravan!
It was the most Australian thing I've ever seen. Turns out he was going on holidays and figured that he may as well make some money on the way. His family were in the van and he was taking fares, but only if they went in the direction of the Gold Coast.
What a guy!!!!!