Sometimes I think we have stopped evolving as a human race. If you need evidence simply read the instructions on the back of almost anything you buy.
I purchased a packet of peanuts recently, and just reading the labelling made me despair for humanity.
First it was the big bold letters that said "Warning - May contain traces of nuts" - well, duh - but it was the second line that really pushed me over the edge.
It simply read "Open Packet, Eat Nuts" Phew lucky the put that there!!
But it's not just nuts that have gone nuts. I bought a glass biscuit jar the other day, and it came with instructions. Think about that for a minute. Bloody instructions? I'm sorry, but if you need instructions to open a glass jar, I really don't think you should be trusted with glass.
Is there truly anyone out there who looks at a glass biscuit jar with a lid on it and thinks - "But how do I get the biscuits in there? Damn, I wish this thing came with instructions."
It gets worse. I got some sleeping pills for a holiday flight once and on the packet it said "Warning, may cause drowsiness" Really??? Well I'd better have a few cups of black coffee and a couple of Red Bulls to take the edge off then!!
That's like having a packet of Aspirin that reads "Warning may relieve the symptoms of a headache" or a packet of viagra that says "Warning may cause Grandpa to chase Grandma around the kitchen table."
There is actually an electric power drill that comes with the warning "Not to be used as a dental drill". Yes, it's time RPA meets Better Homes And Gardens. "Look, we have used the drill for the pergola, now let's use it for that pesky molar." I'm sorry, but if you need that information on your power-tool, then you are the real tool.
Or the hair colouring that comes with the instruction "Do not use as an ice-cream topping". Uha ... although to be honest, if you are stoned enough to think that is a good idea, you are ;probably stoned enough to eat it too.
Then there was the pepper spray that apparently comes with the disclaimer "Caution ... never aim spray at your own eyes." Now, I have to admit that this does sound like sensible advice. Maybe you've heard of the hair dryers that now come with the warning "Do not use while taking a shower". Again, I feel that this one comes under the heading of 'moron' - at the very least, because using it while in the shower must limit it's effectiveness. "Ummm, I have it on high, but for some reason my hair is still wet."
This is right up there with the toilet brush that comes with the warning sticker "Not to be used orally".
OK, first, unless you have teeth the size of Larry Emdur, who thinks a toilet brush is a good idea for dental hygiene?
One of my favourites was the dishwasher that came with the instruction "Don't allow children to play in the dishwasher." Although, I guess if you provide them with some snorkles, it would be a pretty quick way to get them clean. But please, whatever you do, don't dry them off in the oven.the microwave is much quicker.
Without doubt, my absolute, absolute favourite was the mattress that came with the warning "Do not attempt to swallow"
Now this warning disturbs and amuses me for as couple of reasons. First, it is so random that you know the only reason that it is there is because someone has tried. Secondly, how stoned do you have to be before you try and eat a mattress?
I mean there are not enough marijuana filled boogie board bags in the world to try to make me eat a mattress.
Honestly, idiocy is all around us.
If you want any further proof, check this out ... I read somewhere that in the last 10 years , 31 Australians have died from watering Christmas trees while the lights were still plugged in. What's worse, at least a few of these were watering plastic Christmas trees!!!
Now I don't want to seem callous, but to me, that's not a tragedy. That's natural selection.
You see, from what I can vaguely recall from science at school, when we weren't sitting up the back trying to turn household items into bongs, there was this bloke named Charles Darwin who came up with this Theory of Evolution. (And to reward him they named the least evolved city in Australia in his honour.)
In basic terms, it was Survival of the Fittest. In every generation the strongest and most intelligent would survive, they would breed together and we would evolve. Well, no more. We have stopped evolving as a human race. It's no longer Survival of the Fittest, it;s now Survival of the Idiots.
And why have we stopped evolving? Well, it's simple. All these warnings are keeping the morons alive. And today, I haver three words for you ladies and gentlemen .......
LET ..... THEM ..... GO