Monday, 10 August 2015

Blades, blades and more blades

I was having some unusual headaches recently, so made my way to my home away from home (doctors) only to have him examine me and say ... "Sorry Miss T, but I have some bad news for you. You're losing your hearing."

"WHAT?" I yelled

"YOU ARE LOSING YOU'RE ............"

"Yeah, yeah. I heard you the first time, but I've always wanted to use that joke."

Tinnitus was the diagnosis. Mist likely caused by standing too close to speakers at rock concerts and listening to music too loudly in my headphones.  Of all the things that have gone wrong, this one sucks the most, because if you think about it, he was basically telling me that I ruined my hearing by hearing things too well.  Yep, it sucks.

Oh, he was wrong actually. It was sinus problems which have since been addressed.

I'm glad this doesn't happen with other senses.  Imagine eating a really good meal and then completely losing your sense of taste, or walking past a bakery in the morning and losing your sense of smell !!

Actually, now that we are discussing it, the thing that's making me feel really old - aside from admitting that I'm never going to win Masterchef, is not really the above.  It was when some well-meaning (read 'stupid') friends decided to take me night-clubbing.

Note, the first thing I need to point out, is I've never really enjoyed going to night clubs. Even when I was younger. I'm more of a pub girl.

The second thing to note is that these days, going clubbing is not as simple as rocking up to a bar for a couple of drinks.  Oh no. It's more like an off-your-face amazing race where by the end of the night, I had so many stamps down my arm, it looked like I'd been sharing a cell with Chopper Read. (A baddie for all you overseas folk).

Although, on the up, it is really handy the next day when you have a hangover and you are trying to piece together just exactly what you did last night. (And believe me, you WILL have a hangover.  These days kids don't sip drinks, they scull them as if alcohol is being banned at midnight).

The next thing you need to know is that night clubs these days have better light and smoke shows than Bon Jovi did in their prime.

Anyway, I digress.

I stayed the night at a friends and I needed some asprin, so made my way to the bathroom cabinet.  Now, I really think my parents dropped me on the head when I was young and something broke in my brain, because this is the sort of thing that kept me awake all night.

Signs and labelling pander to the already dumb, but there are entire industries that depend on drawing out the dumbarse in all of us. Like product development and advertising.

For example, can we just skip to a razor that has a hundred blades and be done with it?  I say this because I noticed an unopened razor in the cabinet which had this printed on the packaging.  "Soon to be released - new razor with 5 blades"!

Once more for the cheap seats - 5 blades.  Apparently the first one picks up the hair, the second cuts it, the third goes out and picks up your dry-cleaning, the fourth goes to market and the fifth goes wee, wee, wee all the way home.

So the question has to be asked, just how many blades does the man need?  If they keep going like this, pretty soon you guys will have a different blade for each hair on your face.  Seriously guys, why could you possibly need 5 different blades on a razor?

Are razors like boy bands now - the blade that can sing, the blade that can dance, the ugly blade, the nerdy blade and the gay blade.

I'm all for progress, but it seems to me that any more than 1 blade is a little unnecessary.

I think it's sad when there are more blades on your razor than in my entire kitchen.  These days you're better preparing dinner in the bathroom than in your kitchen.

It's a vicious cycle.  One company adds a blade, so the other adds an extra blade, so the first adds another blade etc etc.

And while I'm having this razor rant, who is naming these things?  You have The Mach, The Fusion, The Champion, The Turbo and The Quatro. It sounds less like the names of razor blades and more like a casting call for the return of Gladiators.

And now I see you can get razors with batteries that vibrate and even have something called a 'lubra-strip'. (Jokes galore here, but I'm not going there.)

Further, the packaging said it was "The best a man can get". Really??? I would have thought that phrase would have been in the same sentence as Angelina Jolie, or Cameron Diaz or lap dance!!

The thing that shocked me most after reading this was that this particular razor has it's own website.  Somehow, I guess that's not the site most males expect when they type 'hot' and 'shaved' into Google.  But think about this for a moment. With all the infinite possibilities offered by the internet, how bored would you have to be to look up the website for a razor blade???

So anyway, I looked it up.

And check this out, not only does it have a website, but it also has a fan club.  I am not making this up.  Let's face it, if you are the sort of person who joins a fan club for a razor, I'm not really sure you should be handling a razor with blades.  I'm not sure you should be trusted with anything that close to your face that isn't made of ice-cream.

Crikeeeeee ..... why don't you guys just grow a beard???



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