I couldn’t be more Aussie if I were riding a kangaroo
down the street, eating a vegemite sandwich, drinking a VB, and staring at a
picture of Mitch Johnson – all while dressed as Alf Stewart from Home and Away.
I’m Aussie as. Could not be Aussier if. But at the risk of sounding like an
un-Australian mongrel, there is not a term I hate more in our vernacular than ‘un-Australian’.
Now to some of you, that will automatically label me as
a tie-dyed t-shirt wearing, dole-bludging, chardonnay sipping, tree-hugging,
flag-burning, feminazi, lezbollah, latte leftie member of the inner city elite, who doesn’t know what it’s like for
silent majority of LABs (Little Aussie Battlers) who live on, or a short bicycle
ride from Struggle Street.
And I must confess, they’re right. I don’t know what it’s
like. J
The only people who truly know what it’s like to be a
battler are millionaire TV people. They
know battlers because they employ many of them as butlers.
But to me, the term un-Australian is the cane toad of
our language and it continues to spread.
At this rate, next year we won’t celebrate Australia Day, we’ll have
un-Australia Day. Politicians and talk-back radio hosts will crown the
un-Australian of the Year while a choir sings the anthem “Advance Australia
Un-Fair” and then chant “Aussie, Aussie, Aussie Noi, Noi, Noi!” Of course, all
of this will be faithfully reported in the unAustralian newspaper.
Incidentally, that movie “Australia” by Baz Luhrman,
can’t be Australian. If it was, it would have been made by a bloke called Bazza
Luhrman and called “Straya”.
But, again, I digress.
So what is it about the dreaded label that I find so
offensive? Well, for starters, it’s so
insular. Why, in this amazing international
community we are all a part of, do we feel the need to define ourselves so
narrowly? What’s next? Un-Victorian? Un-Rooty-Hillian? I mean, how small do we want to go?
“Excuse me, it says here that you’ve lived in this city
for over 20 years, and yet, you’ve never killed someone in a really bizarre fashion. How un-Alice Springian”.
Or “G’day mate.
I see you have three kids and none of them have mullets. How very
un-Townsvillian”.
Or even “You mean you’ve never smoked, got drunk, got
fat, taken drugs, taken money from a bookie, or shagged around? That’s very un-Shane Warnian”.
Which leads me to my second problem: what we choose to
label un-Australian. After all, when we
locked children in the desert detention centres there was barely an un-Oz whisper
to be heard, but when petrol hit $1.55, people in the street were chanting, “Petrol
has hit $1.55. That is so un-Australian. The only way I can calm down is by drinking
this $4 bottle of water and eating this $10 banana.”
I guess I just don’t understand how we decide what is
Australian and what is not. Surely by
its very definition, it is Aussie to do whatever Aussies do. “What’s that, love? You went to Bali and you didn’t smuggle
drugs? That is so un-Australian”.
I think it shows a real lack of clear identity that we constantly
define ourselves by what we aren’t. When
I fill in a form that asks for my sex, I write ‘female’ I don’t write ‘un-male’.
It seems to me that as a nation, we’re afraid to admit
that Australians are just like everyone else. We’re good, bad, smart, stupid,
brave, cowardly, grumpy, dozey, sneezy and Doc. (OK, you got me. I ran out of
ideas at the end). Instead, we seem to think that if something is worthy of
praise, it is immediately Australian, and conversely, if it’s bad, it’s
un-Australian. For example, when Russell
Crowe won his Academy Award, he was a top Aussie, but when he threw the phone,
he was suddenly from New Zealand. Better
still, I remember when Australians were actually proud to say that Mel Gibson
was a countryman. (Although, let’s face it, he’s a drunk and a racist. What
could be more Australian than that?)
And, sadly, calling someone un-Australian seems to be a
trait that is, well, Australian. After
all, you don’t particularly hear about people being described as ‘un-Swiss’, ‘un-Greenlandish’
or even ‘un-Iraqi’.
I mean, are the people of Kyrgyzstan currently having a
national debate on un-Kyrgyzstani behavior? And what exactly would that consist
of, other than not being particularly landlocked and using too many vowels in
the spelling of place names?
Are people who walk into a bar, but aren’t amusing
accused of being un-Irish? Are those who
are really good at cricket labelled un-English?
And what if a back-packer to this country gets a job? Will that make
them an un-New Zealander?
Ah yes, taking the puss out of Kiwis. Now that is truly Australian.
I was talking football (Aussie Rules) with my neighbor this
morning. Yes, the start of the season is almost on us.
To some people, me included, September is a happy time.
Spring has sprung, the flowers are blooming, the weather is improving and so
are people’s moods. Well, everyone’s
that is, except his. He hates September.
He said that he’s had 35 Septembers in his life and has
hated every single one, without exception.
In fact, he wasn’t sure if ‘hate’ was a strong enough word.
You know how some hotels don’t have a thirteenth floor
due to superstition? (Although who are they kidding? Floor fourteen knows what it really is.) If he designed calendars, there would
be no September.
Clearly this would piss off a lot of Virgos – their birthdays
of course, but it would certainly make his life more pleasant. If he could, he would go to bed on the 31st
August and not wake up until the 1st of October.
So why does he want to go all Rip Van Winkle on September, I hear you ask? What could possibly make him hate a single month so much? Yeah – you guessed it – footy finals!
So why does he want to go all Rip Van Winkle on September, I hear you ask? What could possibly make him hate a single month so much? Yeah – you guessed it – footy finals!
We’re not implying that he doesn’t love his football
team. He does. They are, in fact, his greatest passion. Most people’s blood have red and white blood
cells. His have blue as well.
So folk, there lies the rub. In all his 35 years he has
never seen the doggies play in a grand final, let alone win one. For some clubs, September is a time of hopes
and dreams (go Hawthorn), for the Bulldogs, it’s a time for disappointments and
planning end-of-season trips. He says,
he doesn’t know what he did in a previous life to deserve this, but he assumes
he must have driven a truck full of black cats under a row of ladders and then
crashed it into a mirror factory.
For those of you who don’t follow football, and I am
reliably informed that there are one or two of you, the Western Bulldogs only
ever played in two Grand Finals: they
won one in 1954 (years before he was born) and lost one (years before he was
born).
Just pause and think about that for a moment. The last time his club won a flag was in 1954.
1954. To put this into perspective, if
he had been around then and missed the game, he wouldn’t have been able to
catch the replay because AUSTRALIA DIDN’T HAVE TELEVISION!!!
When his team won the flag, the average price of a car
was $1,200. These days, that’s about
what it costs to fill up a car’s tank.
He says, he’s heard some people talk about the pain of
seeing their team lose on Grand Final Day, he would just like to see his team on the ground on Grand Final Day.
Oh well, Eamon …
there’s always this September, or next, or ………
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