Sunday, 16 March 2014

The Theory of Evolution

Some people may have read bits and pieces of this. I have just expanded it.

Sometimes I think we have stopped evolving as a human race.  If you need evidence, simply read the instructions on the back of almost anything you buy.
I purchased a packet of peanuts recently, and just reading the labelling made me despair for humanity.

First it was the big bold letters that said ‘Warning, may contain traces of nuts’ – well, duh – but it was the second line that pushed me over the edge.  It simply read: ‘Instructions, open packet, eat nuts’.  Phew, lucky they put that there. I just wouldn’t have known otherwise.

But it’s not just nuts that have gone nuts!  I bought a glass biscuit jar and it came with instructions.  Think about that for a moment. Instructions.  I’m sorry, but if you need instructions to open a jar, I don’t think you should be trusted with glass.

Is there really anyone who looks at a jar with a lid on it, and thinks “But how do I put my biccies in there? Damn, I wish this thing came with instructions.”
Maybe the people who need that kind of help, are also those who buy the deodorant I use. The one that has the warning on the back in big letters “Do not spray in eyes”.

OK, here is my first question …. Who has sweaty eyes?  What moron gets up in the morning and thinks “Gee my eyes smell …..  ow, ow, ow, there should be a warning”.

You think that warning is stupid? I got some sleeping pills for an overseas flight once, and on the packet it said “Warning, may cause drowsiness”.

Really? Well I’d better have a few cups of black coffee and some Red Bulls to take the edge off them.

That’s like having a packet of Asprin that reads “Warning. May relieve the symptoms of a headache” or a packet of Viagra that says “Warning. May cause Grandpa to chase Grandma around the kitchen table”.

There is actually an electric power drill that comes with the warning “Not to be used as a dental drill”.  I swear that’s true. ‘Look, we’ve used the drill for the pergola, now let’s use it for that troublesome molar.’  I’m sorry, but if you need that information on your power-tool, then you are, in fact, a tool.

Or the hair colouring that comes with the instruction: “Not to be used as an ice-cream topping”.  Although to be honest, if you are stoned enough to think that is a good idea, then you are probably stoned enough to eat it too.

Then there was the Pepper Spray that apparently comes with the disclaimer: “Caution, never aim spray at your own eyes.” Now, I must admit, this does sound like sensible advice come to think about it.

Hair dryers now come with a warning. “Do not use while taking a shower”.  Again, I feel that this one comes under the heading of moron – at the very least, because using it while in the shower must limit its effectiveness.  ‘I have it on high, but for some reason, my hair is still wet’.

This is right up there with the toilet brush that comes with the warning sticker: “Do not use orally”.

And let’s not forget the cigarette lighter that comes with the advice “Do not use near an open flame”.  Of course not.

I don’t have an iPod shuffle, but according to friends who do, they come with the warning that you shouldn’t eat them.  The question has to be asked. “Why?”  Why do we need that warning?  Why would anybody eat their iPod?  Do they listen to it, and then think, ‘well, it made my ears feel good, let’s see how good it makes my tongue feel’.

One of my favourites was the dishwasher that came with the instruction: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher”.  Although, I guess, if you provide them with some snorkles, it would be a pretty quick way to get them clean.  But please, whatever you do, don’t dry them off in the oven.  Use the microwave. It’s much quicker.

Speaking of the kiddies, apparently there is a quite popular brand of Baby Oil that has a warning that says “Keep away from children”.  Yes, you wouldn’t want to use the Baby Oil on babies.  It’s only for fully grown men who dress in nappies and like to coat themselves in the stuff and be spanked!!!!!!!  (I believe they exist)!!!!!

Maybe they’re hiding something more sinister.  I mean they make macadamia oil out of macadamias, and they make hazelnut oil out of hazelnuts ..... all I am saying is do the maths.  Maybe they just get a bunch of infants down the factory and fire up the blender.

But without doubt, my absolute, absolute, absolute favourite was the mattress that came with the warning: “Do not attempt to swallow”.

Now this warning disturbs and amuses me for a couple of reasons.  First, it is so random that you know the only reason it is there is because someone has tried. Secondly, how stoned do you have to be before you try to eat a mattress?

I mean there are not enough marijuana-filled boogie-board bags in the world to make me try to eat a mattress.  How dry would it be?  Well, unless you washed it down with a water-bed and maybe a little hair dye on top for flavor.

Idiocy is all around us – you just have to open your Rexona scented eyes.  I’ll give you another example.  I recently caught a bus and I noticed on the driver’s window, a little sign that said “Do not access bus through windows”.  Who is that sign for?

Ladies and gentlemen, the simple truth is, there are a lot of simple people in the world.

If you need any further proof, check this out.  I read once that in the last 10 years, over 30 Australians have died from watering the Christmas tree, while the lights were still plugged in.  What’s worse, at least a couple of those were watering plastic trees.

Now I don’t want to seem callous, but to me that is not a tragedy – that’s natural selection.

You see, from what I can vaguely recall from science at school when we weren’t sitting up the back trying to work out how to turn various household items into bongs, there was a bloke named Charles Darwin who came up with the theory of evolution.

In basic terms, it was a matter of Survival of the Fittest.  In every generation, the strongest and most intelligent would survive, they would breed together and we would evolve.  Well, no more.  We have stopped evolving as a human race.

And why have we stopped evolving?  Well it’s simple.  All these warnings are keeping these morons alive.  And today, I have three words for you, ladies and gentlemen:  Let ….. Them …..Go.

I’m serious, if you honestly have a friend who buys a brand new pair of sneakers, gets them home, unpacks them, gets that little package of chemicals out of them and wants to eat it … you let them.

It’s one less moron to be weeing in the shallow end of our gene pool and we can get back to evolving.

While we’re on the topic, signs and labelling pander to the already dumb, but there are whole industries that depend on drawing out the dumbarse in all of us. Like product development and advertising.

For example, can we just skip to a razor that has a hundred blades and be done with it?  I mention this because I was in my brother’s bathroom last time I visited and I noticed that one of the major shaving companies was about to launch a new razor with 5 blades.

That’s right, 5 blades. Apparently the first one picks up the hair, the second one cuts it and the third goes out and picks up your dry-cleaning, the fourth goes to market and the fifth goes wee, wee, wee all the way home.

So the question has to be asked, just how many blades does one man need?  If they keep going at this rate, pretty soon you guys will have a separate blade for every hair on your face.  Seriously, why could you possibly need 5 different blades?  Are razors like boy bands now? You have to have the blade that can sing, the blade that can dance, the ugly blade, the nerdy blade and the gay blade.

I’m all for progress, but it seems to me that any more than one blade is a little unnecessary.

What’s next?  The Gillette Tomahawk, with fifty blades and extra uranium to make sure your hair never grows back?

And while I’m having my razor rant, who is naming these things?  You have The Mach, The Fusion, The Champion, The Turbo and The Quatro.  It sounds less like the names for razor blades and more like a casting call for a new series of The Gladiators. (Yes, we all remember that show, right?)

Let’s face it, if they can come up with a razor that gives good foot massage and plays James Blunt, pretty soon us women won’t need men at all.

And have you ever read the packaging on these things? My brother is currently using a Gillette which, according to the blurb, is “the best a man can get”.
Really? Personally I would have thought any sentence that talked about the ‘best a man could get’ would have also included the words “Scarlett Johansson” and “lap dance”.

The one thing that shocked me most of all when I read the back of that packet is that that particular razor has its own website.  Yes, that’s right.  I’ll repeat it again – that razor has its own website.  I guess that’s not the site most people are expecting when they type ‘hot’ and ‘shaved’ into Google.

But think about this for a moment.  With all the infinite possibilities on the internet, how bored would you have to be to look up the website for a razor blade?

So anyway, I looked it up.

And check this out. Not only does that razor have it’s own website, but it also has its own fan-club.  I am not making this up.

Now I’m sorry, but if you are the sort of person who joins a fan-club for a razor blade, then you have a lot more serious problems than a bit of facial hair.  In fact, if you are the sort of person who would join a fan-site for a razor, I’m not sure you should be using a blade.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes it really scares me that we live in a world where nobody could name the most recent winner of the Nobel Prize, but a razor blade has it’s own fan-club.

Jeeeeeeez guys.   Give up and grow a beard.


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