Some people may have read bits and pieces of this. I
have just expanded it.
Sometimes I think we have stopped evolving as a human
race. If you need evidence, simply read
the instructions on the back of almost anything you buy.
I purchased a packet of peanuts recently, and just reading
the labelling made me despair for humanity.
First it was the big bold letters that said ‘Warning,
may contain traces of nuts’ – well, duh – but it was the second line that
pushed me over the edge. It simply read: ‘Instructions, open packet, eat nuts’. Phew, lucky they put that there. I just
wouldn’t have known otherwise.
But it’s not just nuts that have gone nuts! I bought a glass biscuit jar and it came with
instructions. Think about that for a
moment. Instructions. I’m sorry, but if
you need instructions to open a jar, I don’t think you should be trusted with
glass.
Is there really anyone who looks at a jar with a lid on
it, and thinks “But how do I put my biccies in there? Damn, I wish this thing
came with instructions.”
Maybe the people who need that kind of help, are also
those who buy the deodorant I use. The one that has the warning on the back in
big letters “Do not spray in eyes”.
OK, here is my first question …. Who has sweaty
eyes? What moron gets up in the morning
and thinks “Gee my eyes smell ….. ow,
ow, ow, there should be a warning”.
You think that warning is stupid? I got some sleeping
pills for an overseas flight once, and on the packet it said “Warning, may
cause drowsiness”.
Really? Well I’d better have a few cups of black coffee
and some Red Bulls to take the edge off them.
That’s like having a packet of Asprin that reads
“Warning. May relieve the symptoms of a headache” or a packet of Viagra that
says “Warning. May cause Grandpa to chase Grandma around the kitchen table”.
There is actually an electric power drill that comes
with the warning “Not to be used as a dental drill”. I swear that’s true. ‘Look, we’ve used the
drill for the pergola, now let’s use it for that troublesome molar.’ I’m sorry, but if you need that information
on your power-tool, then you are, in fact, a tool.
Or the hair colouring that comes with the instruction:
“Not to be used as an ice-cream topping”.
Although to be honest, if you are stoned enough to think that is a good
idea, then you are probably stoned enough to eat it too.
Then there was the Pepper Spray that apparently comes
with the disclaimer: “Caution, never aim spray at your own eyes.” Now, I must
admit, this does sound like sensible advice come to think about it.
Hair dryers now come with a warning. “Do not use while
taking a shower”. Again, I feel that
this one comes under the heading of moron – at the very least, because using it
while in the shower must limit its effectiveness. ‘I have it on high, but for some reason, my
hair is still wet’.
This is right up there with the toilet brush that comes
with the warning sticker: “Do not use orally”.
And let’s not forget the cigarette lighter that comes
with the advice “Do not use near an open flame”. Of course not.
I don’t have an iPod shuffle, but according to friends
who do, they come with the warning that you shouldn’t eat them. The question has to be asked. “Why?” Why do we need that warning? Why would anybody eat their iPod? Do they listen to it, and then think, ‘well,
it made my ears feel good, let’s see how good it makes my tongue feel’.
One of my favourites was the dishwasher that came with
the instruction: “Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher”. Although, I guess, if you provide them with
some snorkles, it would be a pretty quick way to get them clean. But please, whatever you do, don’t dry them
off in the oven. Use the microwave. It’s
much quicker.
Speaking of the kiddies, apparently there is a quite
popular brand of Baby Oil that has a warning that says “Keep away from children”. Yes, you wouldn’t want to use the Baby Oil on
babies. It’s only for fully grown men
who dress in nappies and like to coat themselves in the stuff and be
spanked!!!!!!! (I believe they
exist)!!!!!
Maybe they’re hiding something more sinister. I mean they make macadamia oil out of
macadamias, and they make hazelnut oil out of hazelnuts ..... all I am saying
is do the maths. Maybe they just get a
bunch of infants down the factory and fire up the blender.
But without doubt, my absolute, absolute, absolute
favourite was the mattress that came with the warning: “Do not attempt to
swallow”.
Now this warning disturbs and amuses me for a couple of
reasons. First, it is so random that you
know the only reason it is there is because someone has tried. Secondly, how
stoned do you have to be before you try to eat a mattress?
I mean there are not enough marijuana-filled
boogie-board bags in the world to make me try to eat a mattress. How dry would it be? Well, unless you washed it down with a water-bed
and maybe a little hair dye on top for flavor.
Idiocy is all around us – you just have to open your
Rexona scented eyes. I’ll give you
another example. I recently caught a bus
and I noticed on the driver’s window, a little sign that said “Do not access bus
through windows”. Who is that sign for?
Ladies and gentlemen, the simple truth is, there are a
lot of simple people in the world.
If you need any further proof, check this out. I read once that in the last 10 years, over
30 Australians have died from watering the Christmas tree, while the lights
were still plugged in. What’s worse, at
least a couple of those were watering plastic trees.
Now I don’t want to seem callous, but to me that is not
a tragedy – that’s natural selection.
You see, from what I can vaguely recall from science at
school when we weren’t sitting up the back trying to work out how to turn
various household items into bongs, there was a bloke named Charles Darwin who
came up with the theory of evolution.
In basic terms, it was a matter of Survival of the
Fittest. In every generation, the
strongest and most intelligent would survive, they would breed together and we
would evolve. Well, no more. We have stopped evolving as a human race.
And why have we stopped evolving? Well it’s simple. All these warnings are keeping these morons
alive. And today, I have three words for
you, ladies and gentlemen: Let ….. Them
…..Go.
I’m serious, if you honestly have a friend who buys a
brand new pair of sneakers, gets them home, unpacks them, gets that little
package of chemicals out of them and wants to eat it … you let them.
It’s one less moron to be weeing in the shallow end of
our gene pool and we can get back to evolving.
While we’re on the topic, signs and labelling pander to
the already dumb, but there are whole industries that depend on drawing out the
dumbarse in all of us. Like product development and advertising.
For example, can we just skip to a razor that has a
hundred blades and be done with it? I
mention this because I was in my brother’s bathroom last time I visited and I
noticed that one of the major shaving companies was about to launch a new razor
with 5 blades.
That’s right, 5 blades. Apparently the first one picks
up the hair, the second one cuts it and the third goes out and picks up your
dry-cleaning, the fourth goes to market and the fifth goes wee, wee, wee all
the way home.
So the question has to be asked, just how many blades
does one man need? If they keep going at
this rate, pretty soon you guys will have a separate blade for every hair on
your face. Seriously, why could you possibly need 5 different blades? Are razors like boy bands now? You have to
have the blade that can sing, the blade that can dance, the ugly blade, the
nerdy blade and the gay blade.
I’m all for progress, but it seems to me that any more
than one blade is a little unnecessary.
What’s next?
The Gillette Tomahawk, with fifty blades and extra uranium to make sure
your hair never grows back?
And while I’m having my razor rant, who is naming these
things? You have The Mach, The Fusion,
The Champion, The Turbo and The Quatro.
It sounds less like the names for razor blades and more like a casting
call for a new series of The Gladiators. (Yes, we all remember that show,
right?)
Let’s face it, if they can come up with a razor that
gives good foot massage and plays James Blunt, pretty soon us women won’t need
men at all.
And have you ever read the packaging on these things?
My brother is currently using a Gillette which, according to the blurb, is “the
best a man can get”.
Really? Personally I would have thought any sentence
that talked about the ‘best a man could get’ would have also included the words
“Scarlett Johansson” and “lap dance”.
The one thing that shocked me most of all when I read
the back of that packet is that that particular razor has its own website. Yes, that’s right. I’ll repeat it again – that razor has its own
website. I guess that’s not the site
most people are expecting when they type ‘hot’ and ‘shaved’ into Google.
But think about this for a moment. With all the infinite possibilities on the
internet, how bored would you have to be to look up the website for a razor
blade?
So anyway, I looked it up.
And check this out. Not only does that razor have it’s
own website, but it also has its own fan-club.
I am not making this up.
Now I’m sorry, but if you are the sort of person who
joins a fan-club for a razor blade, then you have a lot more serious problems
than a bit of facial hair. In fact, if
you are the sort of person who would join a fan-site for a razor, I’m not sure
you should be using a blade.
I don’t know about you, but sometimes it really scares
me that we live in a world where nobody could name the most recent winner of
the Nobel Prize, but a razor blade has it’s own fan-club.
Jeeeeeeez guys.
Give up and grow a beard.
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