Sunday, 2 June 2013

Desperate and Dateless

Being recently desperate and dateless, I found my eyes lingering over the romantic profiles in the email pals, and as far as I can tell, the most common requirement among males is to find someone with a ‘good sense of humour’.

Now, while this may sound good, I’m not sure this is actually true. I mean, if that’s what men really wanted, they’d be tearing down their posters of Paris Hilton and drooling over Whoopie Goldberg.

And it should also be pointed out that when men say they’re looking for someone to make them laugh, it normally doesn’t mean they want someone who is funny looking.

Another massive cliché of personal ads is, “I enjoy long walks on the beach,” which usually means, “while I’m taking photos of the topless women on my mobile phone.”

My brief study of the profiles has already taught me a few lessons, such as when someone claims, “I’ve never done this before,” it normally means, “I have done this before, but I don’t want you to think I’m a desperate loser.” When someone says they ‘enjoy the simple things in life’. This generally means “I’m poor.” And when someone says they’re ‘petite’, they’re short. When someone say’s they’re ‘curvy’, they’re – well – fat, and when someone says they ‘enjoy working with their hands’, it means they didn’t get very far at school. Although I have to confess that petite, curvy and enjoys working with their hands sounds a lot more enticing than short, fat and dumb.

If you study the personals closely, you’ll also notice a few warning signs. For example, when someone feels the need to point out that they’re ‘normal’, that’s code for, “I’m not normal. I have 72 dogs and there’s a real chance I’ll end up making a coat from your skin.” Oh, and when someone says they’re looking for a soul-mate, that’s code for “I’m really full-on and if you dump me, I’ll probably stalk you.” Let’s be honest here, folks. If you’re looking for a soul-mate on these sites, you’re probably aiming a little too high. Maybe lower your expectations to a mate who enjoys soul music!

“Easy-going” is a little more difficult to work out. Does that mean they won’t mind if you leave your coffee cup in the sink and put your feet on the couch? Or does it mean they wear the same undies for 7 days in a row?

When people describe themselves as ‘adventurous’, what exactly does that mean? Does it imply that when they read the Karma Sutra, they stapled a few extra pages to the back.

That was the end of my research, and I'm looking elsewhere for a date.

1 comment:

  1. I did a little more reading and it says - if one wants to learn how to make friends or be in a serious relationship, one should just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them and take an interest in their lives, the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum! I know, its easier said than done...