Next ...........

Say, if I go through the 8 items or less lane with three cans of beans, but they are all the same size cans, and all the same type of beans- is that one item, or three? Most people seem to think it counts as three.

However, your honour, I'm no fancy big city lawyer, but what if I then buy three apples? Is that counted as three items or just one? The prevailing wisdom on this one seems to be that this is only one item because they are in a bag, which then leaves me the with the question, what happens if I put my three cans of beans in a bag? Is the bag the rule? If so I could go through that lane looking like santa claus, with a huge sack full of my groceries. "Sorry, it's just one item, it's in a bag, stick that up your little red quote."

And speaking of bags, have you noticed that if you ask for a plastic bag in a supermarket recently you are greeted with a look that implies you just asked if you could club a baby seal to death.

Don't get me wrong, I think we use way too many plastic bags, and I always try to take old plastic bags with me when I go shopping.

But I do sometimes think they take it too far. I mean I can understand not getting a plastic bag for a packet of smokes, but the other day I had three apples, a can of deodorant, two cans of coke and some toilet paper, and the lovely woman behind the counter looked at me and said: "would you like a bag?"

Well no, actually I am just going to juggle this stuff on the way home. Let's swing by hardware and see if I can get a chainsaw and make it really interesting.

You know what else also really bugs me about the 8 items or less lane? You know when you put your groceries up leaving a respectful distance between your stuff and the person in front of you- and yet they still feel the need to put that little wooden divider in between. That really pisses me off. "hey, love, we should be tearing walls down, not building them love."  It's like they don't want their groceries to touch yours. Why? They all come from the same place love.

And while we are making a list and checking it twice, should you be allowed to pay with your atm card in the express lane? It hardly seems "express". Have you ever been stuck behind a pensioner in the express lane trying to remember their pin?

You're just trying to pick up some milk and they are ahead of you typing so many buttons into the machine, you are not sure if they a trying to access the Commonwealth Bank or hack into the Pentagon.

Sometimes it seems like they have forgotten their pin and are typing in their phone number. That or their pin has been remixed by the chemical brothers. "hey, you're meant to type in the number of your pin, nanna, not the number of pi."

But even worse than the pensioner who seems to have forgotten his pin so is instead typing in pi to twenty decimal places, is the idiot who thinks he is a comedian.

Hey dude, earth to tool, no-one cares about your stupid jokes. Sharelle, Narelle, Chantelle and Janelle (let's be honest, with names like that you either work at a check-out or are married to Altyan Childs) are too busy trying to do a price check for aisle five, and aren't paid enough to not only bag the groceries but listen to your jokes as well,

If one more person in front of me when the poor girl asks them "cash or savings" says "well actually it's spendings" then you'd better watch out because I am about to shove my 8 items or less up your red spot, and when my bag of apples goes up there it is not going to be special.