Tuesday, 19 March 2013
Where Can I Get A Costume For That?
My complaining started the minute we received the invitation in the mail. Fancy Dress Party: Come dressed as the thing that scares you most! “But I’m not scared of the usual stuff like spiders, snakes, vampires and ghosts” I complained, “and the costume shop never has something for existential angst!”
“Stop being a wanker,” my friend replied, “just make a list of things you are scared of and then choose one of those.” So I did, and you know what, it turns out I am scared of heaps of stuff.
For example I’m scared that when people around me are speaking in a foreign language that they are talking about me being fat
I’m terrified that I will die before the final episode of Lost and I will never understand what was going on with that bloody island; I’m even more terrified I will see the final episode of Lost and I will still not understand what was going on with that bloody island;
Babies… you know, just in general;
I’m anxious that the fun I had in my twenties will destroy my brain and I will become one of those old sheilas who just repeats her same stupid jokes all the time;
I’m scared that I am too happy most of the time to think of anything genuinely deep to say;
I’m virtually terror-stricken that one day soon a comedian will make a joke and the Australian Family Association complain they really shouldn’t be joking about things crossing roads, I mean won’t somebody please think of the chickens?
I’m scared of having an ugly baby, but I don’t know it’s ugly and all my friends pretend but then one day I am walking down the street and someone says: “Why do you have that monkey in a pram?”;
I’m fearful that I will be shunned at dinner parties in Fitzroy and Newtown if I tell my friends that I even though I loved The Wire, I think SVU is a far-superior crime series; (Oh and while we are on a roll I didn’t get the end of Twilight either);
I’m scared that one day I will push a cotton bud too far into my ear.
I’m worried I should have kept more receipts;
I’m scared that I’ll never be mature enough not to giggle when they mention former IOC President Dick Pound’s name on the news;
I’m scared our government will never have the balls to let gay people marry and I will have to be ashamed of that all my life;
I’m scared that someone will be staying at my house and open a cupboard in my house and find something embarrassing like a bong or a DVD box-set of Home and Away;
I’m terrified I will become one of those boring middle-aged people who gets angry at young people for doing the exact same things I did when I was young;
I’m scared that I’m right and there is no God, and existence is meaningless, and I really should have just gone to the beach;
I even more scared the crazy guy in the mall with the cardboard sign is right and there is a God and he is going to be really mad at what I did as a teenager;
I’m afraid that I should have done something productive in my life like settle down and have a baby;
I’m scared shirtless that if I did settle down and have a baby I would immediately regret it and wish I had spent the money on buying DVD box-sets which I would enjoy a lot more and would never tell me they hated me and that I had ruined their life;
I’m terrified of falling over and knocking out some of my front teeth, I’m even more terrified this will result in people thinking I am British;
I’m scared that pain in my hip that I have now had for a couple of years, and assumed would go away at some stage, is now just how my hip feels;
I am scared the person I am in my head isn’t the way that other people see me;
I’m afraid I don’t tell the people I love that I love them enough, and I am terrified I tell strangers in the mosh-pit at the Big Day Out that I love them way too much;
I’m scared that I will die young and never get to see Hawthorn win another premiership;
I’m scared that I will live to 100 and get a telegram from King William that says: “I’m sorry you never got to see Hawthorn win another premiership”;
I’m afraid the one thing I will regret just before I die is that I didn’t eat enough cake;
I’m scared that I should have spent more time in my life worrying about things like world poverty and less worrying about whether I taped Masterchef Australia;
But, you know, where do you get a costume that says that?