When I was growing up, I wished my life was like a movie. I remember watching films and thinking how
amazing it would be if you really could transform from the ugliest girl in
school into the prettiest by shaking out the ponytail and taking off the
glasses.
I mean, think of all the body-image issues and eating
disorders that would be cleared up if all you had to do to go from ugly
duckling to swan was throw away the specs and ban the bun. (and wouldn’t it make a great episode of
Extreme Makeover if, instead of the usual plucking, fat dumping and breast pumping,
stylist looked contestants up and down and said “OK four-eyes, take off the
glasses, shake out the scrunchie and we’re done!”)
Sadly, in real life, it doesn’t work that way.
But movies can also be dangerous and misleading for
kids. When I was a teenager, I certainly wished fights were more
like they were in the movies. In every
action film, no matter how many villians are attacking the hero, they would
always join the fight one at a time – as if they had taken a ticket at the deli
counter and were waiting their turns.
When my brother got into a fight (which was fairly often, mind), the
other kids obviously hadn’t read their movie fight rules of engagement because
they would all punch at the same time.
That never happened to Jackie Chan.
And while I’m on the subject of high school, what about the
prom? In movies, all dilemmas, problems
and major storylines are always cleared up at the prom. Plus, I thought they must have had a prom every
second week, yet I didn’t experience one single prom in my entire 6 years of
high school. Sure we had Blue Light
Discos run by the Victorian Police, but you couldn’t solve problems at Blue
Light Discos.
But it’s not just on the big issues that movies are
misleading – the small stuff always seems easier too. Phone calls seem much simpler. No time for hello or a chat, it is always
straight to the point, then hang up – no need for ‘goodbye’ or ‘let’s talk in the morning’.
I would have been hopeless in a movie: “Well there you go, there’s all the important
information you need to save the world, so I guess I should go then. No you hang up … no you hang up. OK, on the count of three, we’ll hang up
together. 1, 2, 3 … You didn’t hang up!”
The same applies for catching taxis. In a movie, the hero can be in the middle of
an intense chase, jump in a cab, shout “Follow that taxi”, and not only go the
whole journey without once saying “So, have you been busy?” but always have the
right amount of change for the trip. If
it were me, I’d be chasing the baddie and when the cab pulled up, I’d suddenly
have to say “Sorry mate. Can you change
a $50?”
And in movies, if you can’t find a cab, then don’t
worry. Because any movie hero (or
villain for that matter) worth their salt can hot-wire any car, and have it
started within three seconds.
I’m still constantly amazed by this, because I can’t start
my car in less than a minute and I have the keys.
And don’t even get me started on movie musicals. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I have
been down at the local 7-11 and tried to start singing and dancing and, instead
of joining in on the tune and choreography as they do in the movies
(particularly the Bollywood variety), everyone else has just stared at me as if
I was the crazy one.
It’s enough to drive you to drink. In fact, bartender, can I have a scotch on
the rocks, please? Screw it, just leave
the whole bottle. What do you mean you
can’t just leave the whole bottle. They
do it all the time in the movies!
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