Yep, that’s right.
Every year without fail, he manages to make a complete and utter idiot
of himself at the Christmas party (and that even includes all of those years he
was unemployed and crashed Centrelink’s Christmas function.
Every December he promises himself that this year it will be
different, and then every year, the Christmas spirit enters him, followed by
the Christmas wine, the Christmas beer, and suddenly he’s back on the table
looking like Ned Kelly.
Of course the root of most of the problem can be traced back
to two simple words – free beer. And if
there’s one thing that the Christmas party is all about, it’s free food and
booze. In fact, he even has a formula
for working out how much he should eat and drink. First, take the amount of money he thinks he
should be paid for his job, then subtracts the amount he actually does get paid
and the number he has left over is how much he has to eat and drink in free
booze and nibbles to get even.
And, he says, if he feels like a little bonus and the boss
isn’t forthcoming, he steals a bit of stationery on the way out.
Well, I took lovely Paul shopping yesterday. Why do men hate shopping with women so
much? We were talking about it and Paul said that he knows why women like to take men
shopping. It combines two of our
favourite activities – buying stuff and seeing their male partners
miserable. He also says that it’s because we
shop differently. Women will happily
window shop for hours, whereas the only time you’ll hear a man say he’s going
window shopping is when he has a big hole in the wall of his house and he wants
a sheet of glass to stop the wind blowing over his beer.
Anyway, I wanted a new outfit for my trip to the casino
today. You know what I like about shopping here? My size is different at every clothes
shop. From shop to shop, I can be a 10,
32 or 1. It makes you feel good when you
go from one shop where you are a 10 to the next where you are a 1. Wow, 9 sizes in 10 steps. Stick that in your health drinks, Jenny
Craig!
Right, I’m going to tell about the funniest thing that's
ever happened to us.
Paul and I were in the car going to do said shopping, and we
were hailed by this old fellow. His wife was sitting in their car and the
bonnet was up. He looked at Paul and said "You got jump leads,
mate?" Apparently they had left their lights on etc etc. Dead now. Need jump leads, need a good
Samaritan, need a friendly hand from someone who looks like he knows what to do
with jump leads. And the good fairy of fate placed them in Paul’s
hands! Men are supposed know about cars and cables. It's
supposed to be in the genetic code, right? Then there's Paul, and if it's
under the hood of a car - it's voodoo Jack, and that's the end of it.
I started laughing when Paul came back to the car and said
"the guy only asked me if I had leads, he didn't ask me if I knew how to
use them!" And I'm still laughing. Anyway, I got out of the car
and looked under his hood and there's no battery. "There you
go" says I "someone's stolen your battery" By this stage
the wife had gotten out of their car and said that the battery was under the
back seat. Of course. Where else would it be. I looked and sure enough,
there it was.
This guy then made the statement of the century. He
said something like "I took auto mechanics and sex education at the same
time at tech. college and they've been confused in my mind ever since, when it
came to where things were and what you did to get any action out of
them". We all thought that was hilarious. His wife
didn't. She pulled out the manual and started thumbing through it.
Anyway, the sum of our knowledge was that positives and
negatives were involved and one of the cars had to be running. Paul
thought the other guy knew what he was doing and kind of went along with
it. Guess the other guy thought the same. When it was all hooked
up, they turned the ignition keys in both cars at the same time and there was
this electrical arc between the cars that knocked Paul’s baseball cap off and
practically fried both cars.
We all sat down on the grass and the boys were in total awe
of what they had accomplished. I had to leave, I was in total hysterics,
and his wife went off to try to find some semi-intelligent help.
What a day!!! Just don't ask us for help.
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